The longest study on happiness showed that it’s the quality of our relationships that ultimately determine how happy we are in life. It’s not just relationships with significant others or family members that affect our happiness either. It’s all of our social connections from the Starbucks barista you chat with on a daily basis to your coworkers and friends. Modern culture focuses on romantic relationships and stresses finding your life partner. It turns it into entertainment on popular reality shows like Love is Blind and there’s an endless stream of advice about it on social media and podcasts. Content on navigating the ups and downs of friendships, especially as an adult, is more difficult to find.
What is a Good Friend?
The best definition of a good friend that I’ve found is someone you can rely on, someone you can talk to, and someone you can have fun with. Don’t despair if you look at this list and not all your friendships pass the muster. Even socializing with acquaintances can increase your life satisfaction. But if you want to know who your good friends are or if you’re a good friend yourself, it can be a useful barometer.
A good friendship takes time to develop because there are certain things that only time can tell. The comedian Trevor Noah said that he can be friendly with many people but he only calls someone a friend once he has seen them in different contexts. What is your friend like when you travel with them, when you’re going through a crisis, or when life is going well for you? Conversely what are you like as a friend in these different contexts? Different situations will bring out dormant aspects of a person’s personality, both in positive and negative ways.
Social Isolation is Bad for your Health
If you’d like to have more friends or closer friends you’re not alone. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy says that the U.S. is currently having a loneliness epidemic. The Covid-19 pandemic has exacerbated the issue with more people working remotely and leaving big cities or moving to different cities altogether. Loneliness can have dire health consequences as it can put individuals at higher risk for cognitive decline and dementia, it can increase your risk of death by 26%, and it can put you at increased risk of developing coronary heart disease and stroke. These statistics may sound depressing but the good news is that these diseases typically occur in the later stages of life, so if you are feeling socially isolated or lonely, you can start doing something about it today.
One of the obstacles that people face when trying to make new friends is the belief that it’s difficult to make friends as an adult or that everyone is too busy and isn’t looking for new friends. It’s true that not everyone has space in their lives for new friends but there are plenty of adults who do. An advantage of making friends as an adult is that you’re more in touch with who you are than when you were younger, so you can form deeper connections with the people you meet now versus the people you met in high school.
How to Make New Friends
Sign up for a class or activity that you enjoy. Look up classes at your local community college. Even if you don’t make a new friend, you’ll at least be doing an activity you enjoy or learning something new!
Volunteer for an organization you want to support.
Join a Meetup. meetup.com has all sorts of groups ranging from hiking to discussing the future of AI.
Join Bumble BFF - Similar to using Bumble for dating, you can use Bumble BFF to find your next best friend. Why not grab a boba and check out all the cute shops in Japantown for your first BFF date?
If you have an interest in spirituality or mindfulness, a meditation group might be for you. The San Francisco Zen Center has a group called Young Urban Zen that focuses on young adults, 20-40 years of age, who have an interest in meditation.
How to Make Small Talk when You’re Shy or Have Social Anxiety
Even just being around other people can contribute to decreased feelings of loneliness but if you want to make a friend, you’ll need to have conversations. If you struggle with shyness or social anxiety, it might be difficult to know what to talk about or how to keep a conversation going. One suggestion is to focus on the other person. In the classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, a key piece of advice is to ask the other person questions. People love to talk about themselves so if you ask the other person questions, they’ll probably walk away from the conversation thinking that it was a great conversation.
How to Be a Good Listener
Second, be a good listener. Try not to interrupt or simply wait for your turn to talk. Actually try and listen to what the other person is saying. To give someone your undivided attention is a gift that people rarely get. Eventually, you will need to share things about yourself and your life or else the conversation will become too lopsided. Share things about yourself such as what you did over the weekend, your hobbies, or somewhere you’d like to travel to. The goal is to let the other person see who you are and what you’re interested in.
Making a friendship with someone requires effort because it doesn’t just happen on its own. In the beginning, the rhythm is similar to dating in that you want to get into a tango with each other. Pay attention to whether there’s a balance between who initiates texts and invites the other person out. You don’t need to keep a scorecard but you also don’t want to end up in a friendship where it’s one-sided unless you’re okay with that. Some people genuinely are more comfortable being the one to primarily initiate and others are interested in having a more balanced friendship.
Ultimately, friendships are a vital component of a fulfilling life and it is possible to develop good friendships as an adult if both people have the time for it in their lives and are willing to make the commitment. If you’re someone who’s struggling with friendships and you want to explore your peer relationships further, get in contact with me today to see how I can help!
