Is Couples Therapy Worth It?
/If you're feeling hesitant about seeing a couples therapist for your relationship, you’re not alone. You might not be sure whether couples therapy can help, whether it’s worth investing in your relationship when you already feel checked out, or if it means that there’s something really wrong with your relationship if you’re going to couples therapy. These are all normal thoughts to have.
Discussing topics like sex, money and fighting is difficult enough to talk about with your partner, or with well-meaning friends and family. Finding a couples therapist in the Bay Area, someone trained to guide these conversations thoughtfully and without judgment, can be an incredible relief. Relationships hold some of our most vulnerable parts, so if you’re thinking about going to couples therapy, you want to ensure that the therapist you’re working with has the experience necessary to hold all the messy, complicated and loving parts of your relationship.
As a couples counselor in San Francisco for over a decade, here are just a few of the ways, I’ve seen couples therapy help:
1. Getting Clarity About Your Relationship
Relationships are not easy — not because you're doing anything wrong, but because they require vulnerability, effort, and time. And sometimes, it’s hard to know what you really want. Some people come into couples counseling determined to stay together and work through their struggles. Others come in feeling uncertain and confused.
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Having a protected space each week to slow down and really hear yourselves — and each other — can shine a light on feelings that may have been buried under the busyness of everyday life. As your couples therapist, my role is to facilitate these conversations and to be a guide as you explore the way forward.
2. Breaking Free From Hurtful Patterns
Depending on your individual history, conflict in a relationship can feel like the end of the world or it can be a a blip in your day. Arguing isn’t a sign that your relationship is doomed, but it can be a sign that there’s something important underneath that needs attention. Sometimes couples get stuck in patterns that feel frustrating or even hopeless. Fights seem to start out of nowhere — over who's doing the dishes, whose turn it is to walk the dog, or how holidays are spent.
Often, these fights aren't just about the apparent issue. In couples counseling, we explore what’s beneath the surface of these arguments. Sometimes these spats occur because there are bigger topics that are being avoided such as whether to get engaged or have children. Sometimes it’s about someone not feeling seen, valued, and heard. With couples, I slow down these arguments to discover the patterns and understand what’s happening beneath them in order to work through the roadblocks.
3. Rebuilding Intimacy and Connection
It’s easy for the spark between two people to diminish over time. Careers, stress, and simply the demands of everyday life can cause the connection to slip away. Maybe you feel more like roommates than partners. This doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It may just mean that your relationship needs a tune-up. Coming to therapy is like bringing your car to the mechanic for a tune-up. Some worn-out parts need to be replaced, other components need a diagnostic test, and overall it’s better to get it fixed before breaking down while driving down the highway. Depending on the severity of the problem couples are facing, sometimes just sitting together, turning toward each other, and saying something you appreciate about each other, can begin to shift things.
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4. Growth as Individuals
Even though the focus is on your relationship, couples therapy often leads to personal growth. You might be worried that if you go to couples therapy, it’ll spell the end of your relationship or that the therapist is there to determine whether you should stay together or not. However, a more helpful way to think of couples therapy is that it’s an opportunity to look at your own patterns in relationships, ways of communicating and attachment needs. Whether it’s in your current relationship or another relationship, it’s helpful to know how you operate interpersonally. This won’t just help your romantic relationship — it can benefit your friendships, work relationships, and your relationship with yourself.
Whether you're navigating big questions — like marriage, children, whether to stay together or separate — or simply want to strengthen the bond you already have, couples therapy offers a way forward. I invite you to reach out for a free phone consultation if you’re curious how I might support you and your partner through couples therapy.