Five Tips to Overcome Social Anxiety and Shyness
/“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” - Anais Nin
Having social anxiety, being shy or an introvert can make socializing, dating and letting yourself be seen by others challenging and exhausting. It can even trigger panicky feelings in people if the stakes feel high and cause symptoms similar to when the body goes into fight or flight, such as dry mouth, sweaty palms, tunnel vision or the desire to escape.
This is because over thousands of years, humans evolved to survive physical threats and being part of a group was crucial for survival. Being excluded from a group, could have led to actual survival risks. So even though in modern society, survival doesn’t necessarily depend on being part of a tribe, we’re still wired to seek social acceptance and fear rejection.
Although on a rational level, you understand that giving a speech or going to a party isn’t a life or death situation, the primitive part of your brain that evolved to survive predators believes it is. So it can feel safer and more comfortable to just avoid those situations altogether since they can make you feel tense, uncomfortable and anxious.
Why Avoidance Can Backfire
tips to overcome social anxiety and shyness from your social anxiety therapist
But repeatedly avoiding the situations that scare you can limit the fullness of life and possible opportunities. Conversations with strangers can turn into dates, job opportunities, or simply learning about an interesting new hobby or country to visit. Avoiding situations just reinforces avoiding it the next time which makes social anxiety stronger because you’ve just discovered that you can avert anxiety and discomfort by steering clear of the triggering situation.
But overcoming social anxiety and shyness isn’t easy, so here are some tools to help you along the journey.
5 Tips to Overcome Social Anxiety and Shyness
Quiet the inner critic
Be on your own side. You’re trying something new and scary. You may put yourself out there in a social situation and try some of these suggestions and still feel awkward of self-conscious. You might stick your foot in your mouth or make a social gaffe at some point. Be aware of your “inner critic,” the running dialogue in your mind which points out all your mistakes and flaws. You don’t have to believe everything your “inner critic” says. It might be telling you that everyone noticed and remembered that remark you made during a conversation. Have compassion for yourself because everyone makes mistakes and says things they later regret. If you think you hugely offended someone, then you can always apologize to them. But otherwise, it’s an opportunity to let go of trying to be perfect.
2. Practice your conversation skills
If you want to be wittier or get better at telling anecdotes, or just talking in front of people in general, join an improv group. But you’re not a comedian, you say! You don’t have to be a stand-up comic to do improv. Improv classes are filled with working professionals who want to improve their communication skills, their ability to banter, or just speak on the fly. It’s also a great way to release some of the stress from your work week and laugh. How often do you get the chance as an adult to play and be silly? Bay Area Theater Sports (BATS) is one of the longest running improv groups and offers improv classes in San Francisco.
3. Join Toastmasters to practice public speaking
how to overcome social anxiety from your social anxiety therapist san francisco
Toastmasters is a non-profit organization that has been around for about 100 years. Its aim is to help people with public speaking. Public speaking is often cited as people’s number one phobia so you’re not alone in being anxious about being in front of people and being judged. Many people have social anxiety or feel shy about public speaking and join Toastmasters as a way to overcome that. Toastmasters also has online groups so if speaking in front of people live sounds too intimidating at this point, then you can start out by attending online.
4. Become interested in other people
Put the focus on other people rather than on yourself. When you have social anxiety, your self-consciousness can make you excessively focus on yourself. Instead, try and become interested in other people’s perspectives. Be a good listener and ask questions of others. If you have a hard time speaking in conversations, then you can practice the other end of the conversation first which is being a good listener. Perhaps you’ll meet someone who enjoys talking and you can do a superb job of listening. If you don’t struggle with what to say in conversations, it is still beneficial to be a good listener.
If you have a hard time listening to other people without interrupting or without thinking about your own thoughts and what you’re going to say next, think of it like taking a walk. When listening to someone else talk, it’s like you’re visiting a new city. Listening to what and how a person thinks is like visiting a place that is completely unfamiliar to you. Whereas if you are not truly listening and are preoccupied by your own thoughts, then you’re just visiting a city whose streets you’re already familiar with because you walk up and down those streets all day.
5. Develop hobbies and stay up to date on popular shows and movies
People who are interesting tend to be interested in things. Find a class in a subject or activity that you’re interested in learning. Not only will that be an opportunity to potentially meet people while taking up a new hobby, but you’ll have something engaging to talk about the next time you have a conversation with someone. If you’re more of an introvert who doesn’t want to socialize with people in a class, being able to discuss movies or popular shows is an easy way to connect with others, even people you don’t know well. It’s a pastime that many people share that isn’t controversial and too divisive.
tips to overcome social anxiety and shyness from your social anxiety therapist bay area
Following these tips is a way to help you get more comfortable with being you and to be able to express who you are to someone else. They’re intended to help you reveal more of yourself to others, not to try and change who you are. If you’re not someone who likes Marvel movies, you don’t have to pretend that you do. You don’t have to be the life of the party or a social butterfly in order to socialize or make a connection. It takes all sorts of people to create a friend group, a community, or a pleasant work environment.
Yes there are those people who can hold court and tell a great story but just as important is the person who doesn’t talk a lot, but is comfortable in their own skin or the person who also isn’t garrulous but smiles a lot and seems friendly. Being sociable and likable doesn’t encompass one type of personality.
Also, a 2018 study by the Association for Psychological Science showed that people often underestimate how much a conversation partner liked them and enjoyed their company. They called this the “liking gap.” They attributed this “liking gap” to the fact that people are often self-critical after a social interaction and people assume that their conversation partners are evaluating them just as negatively. So the next time you have a conversation with a stranger, remind yourself that they probably liked your company and conversation a lot more than you think!
If you struggle with social anxiety or shyness and would like to know more about how therapy might help, contact me today.